The weirdest gaming merchandise ever

It’s not all t-shirts and posters – there’s some truly creative merchandise out there aimed at games fans. Here are our favourites.
 
  • Jack Arnott
    Last updated: 10 February 2014, 15:29 GMT

    Slapping a cartoon character or fashionable logo on an otherwise undesirable item just to make kids nag their parents to buy it is probably one of the most regrettable innovations of the 20th century.

    As such, we have trawled the internet for some of the strangest, sorriest excuses for ‘gaming memorabilia’ ever created - and imagined what Karl Marx might think of such rampant capitalism - just so that future generations might learn from our folly.

    Or find a better way of getting us to buy ceiling fans...

     

    Sonic the Hedgehog ashtray

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Sonic ashtray

    Sonic is known for running fast. Smokers can't run more than seven metres without coughing their phlegmy lungs up. As such, the link isn't too obvious here.

    Then again, anyone who’s played the underwater levels from Sonic 2 knows how stress-inducing the games can be – and there are those who claim a certain bad habit helps with stress…

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 3/5

     

    Super Mario Bros ceiling fan

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Mario Bros ceiling fan

    It gets pretty hot sometimes, playing Mario, sitting really close to the TV – so what better way to cool off than the official Super Mario Bros ceiling fan!

    We’re not sure what's worse about this product, the fact that no-one ever really notices what's on someone's ceiling or the fact that, when the fan's on, you'd be paying to look at a greenish-blue blur.

    We feel sorry for any parent that brought this product.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 4/5

     

    Metal Gear Solid Risk

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Metal Gear Solid Risk

    Risk is a board game that's fun but kind of slow, requires a lot of patience and takes up a lot of time. Metal Gear Solid is a video game that's fun but kind of slow, requires a... wait a minute!

    As if it wasn't illogical enough to market a board game to an audience that already seems to have opted for a more technologically-advanced form of entertainment, we just don't see much of a link between Solid Snake and global warfare.

    A Metal Gear version of Guess Who? Now you're talking.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 2/5

     

    Zelda tea cups and saucers

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Zelda tea cup saucer

    We're pretty sure a kid has never used a saucer. Next!

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 1/5

     

    Nintendo Cereal System

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Nintendo Cereal System

    Cereal. System. Unless you're trying to get through university without spending your student loan, these two words just don't go together.

    Terrible name, terrible idea, terrible illustrations on the box. Nintendo fans deserved better.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 3/5

     

    Zelda bin

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Zelda bin

    What better place to put your discarded packets of Nintendo Cereal System than an official Legend of Zelda bin? After all, that's what Link's adventures were mostly about, right? Tidying up?

    Or was it defeating Ganon and saving princesses? One of the two.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 2/5

     

    Nintendo Monopoly

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Nintendo Monopoly

    “You've just landed on Yoshi. You owe me 500 coins.”

    “Why, does he have a hotel on him?”

    “No, he's a dinosaur.”

    “Let's stop playing, and never speak of this again.”

    “OK.”

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 3/5

     

    Pac Man Fever

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Pac Man Fever

    “I have a callous on my finger / and my shoulder's hurtin' too,

    “I'm gonna eat 'em all up / Just as soon as they turn blue.”

    Okay, so we're stretching the rules a bit here, but there's something exquisitely awful about this 80s pop cash-in, which makes that Tetris song that was No 1 in the 90s sound like Hey Jude.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 2/5

     

    Super Mario Bros shampoo

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Mario Bros shampoo

    Nothing says ‘clean hair’ quite like a short, moustachioed plumber, does it? While we can see how this could help coax reluctant children to bathe more often, the pairing of video games and soap seems like a particularly awkward fit.

    Special mention for the copywriter here, who managed to not only employ the rarely-used plural of shampoo, but made a strange attempt at rhyming to boot.

    In fairness, we can't think of anything Mario could be saying here which would make much more sense.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 3/5

     

    Singer Izek sewing machine

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Singer Izek sewing machine

    Another slight bending of the rules, but any product which tries to bring together the world of sewing and videogames has to be worthy of a mention.

    Controlled via a special cable and cartridge, this special edition sewing machine allowed you to sew intricate patterns using the Game Boy's directional pad.

    And to think we wasted all that time playing Tetris!

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 2/5

     

    Resident Evil brain dessert

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Resident Evil brain dessert

    Zombies eat brains. Humans eat cake. So for humans to eat zombie brains it would have to taste like cake, right?

    Created by a Capcom-themed restaurant in Japan, this dessert could hardly look any less appetising, and should probably carry an 18 rating.

    Couldn't they have just made some Green Herb?

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 2/5

     

    Pokémon menstrual pads

    The weirdest gaming merchandise Pokemon menstrual pads

    We’re lost for words. Sorry.

    Karl Marx Grave-Spinning Rating – 5/5

    Jack Arnott
    Last updated: 30 September 2013, 15:41 BST

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