Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day.
It’s long been an over-hyped, over-priced affair, and it only seems to be getting worse.
So, if you’re sans other half this February 14, consider yourself lucky that you’re dodging at least 14 bullets.
1. No cost
Your wallet is going to look pretty damn healthy on February 15 without forking out for the obligatory eye-wateringly ridiculous red roses/card/chocolates/jewellery/grooming products (delete as appropriate) that aren’t really that well-received.
Spend a little money on you.
2. No schmaltz
Thanks to certain card companies who won’t be named, V Day is now little more than a cheese-fest. It can take hours to find a card that doesn’t have an embarrassingly unBritish sentiment in it – and now you don’t have to.
3. No ‘romantic’ dinner
Sitting in a restaurant filled with nothing but tables for two and trying not to vomit into your soup from all the hand touching and doe-eyed glances? Or boozy night out with your single friends? There you go.
4. No guilt
You’re free to create a fantasy life about the hot guy from sales or the girl on the train without feeling like a deviant. And you can slob around in your PJs all night eating nothing but Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream, so there.
5. No outfit agonies
None of that sexy vs granny pants debating or kicking yourself for putting on weight and not now being able to fit into anything remotely decent. At your own special “me” party, the dress-code is more faded T-shirts and baggy tracksuit bottoms.
6. No high hopes
“This year he’ll propose … that’s definitely a ring box in his pocket.” If you have no unrealistic expectations, you can’t ever be disappointed.
7. No nothing
Similar to the above, but this involves actually not getting anything from your other half because they forgot. And that’s a pretty poor state of affairs indeed.
8. No pressure
It’s never the best night of your life, so now you don’t have to suffer under that weight of “must-have-fun” pressure. Just like New Year’s Eve – stay in.
9. No grooming
Leg hair? Check. Nasal hair? Check. Weird chin hair growth? Check. Embarrassingly unkempt bikini line? Full house.
10. No cheap tat
“I love that you bought me ANOTHER cheap-looking teddy bear, no really. I’ll put it right here, with the other 10 at the back of my wardrobe, where it will never ever see the light of day.” Nothing says I love you like red plastic.
11. No words
That bit where you have to write something in the card that hits exactly the right note between bunny boiler and a bit mysterious and aloof – massive bullet swerved.
12. No competition
“Oh well, Johnny whisked me off to Paris in his private jet AND, darling, we joined the mile-high club on the way…” Sod that for a game of soldiers.
13. No sex
This is a good thing, really. There’s going to be awkward moments and regrets and you’re better off without it. Fact.
14. No pretending
Sometimes you have to put on your “Valentine’s face”. Whether that’s loving the tat, hiding the disappointment or writing three words in the card you’ve stopped really feeling.
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